if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
