I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
