it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
