i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
