i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
