I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just had sex on a roof
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
