I murdered the dance floor call the cops
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
