Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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