I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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