Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
