fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
