I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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