I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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