Soap is not a condiment
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
