i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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