closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
