I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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