I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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