So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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