Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
