I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
