Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
