Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
