You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
