He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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