Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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