my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Randomize
