her vagine was all disorganized.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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