i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
