Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Randomize
