I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
