I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
