I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
