i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
