Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
