we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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