Don't you send me to vm
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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