Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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