by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
