Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
