i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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