I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
