Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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