First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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