Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
