All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
