I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
