I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
