TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
this hospital has no fireball
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
