What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
