yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
